Shame and Vulnerability

When it comes to shame and vulnerability, there is one queen on the topic. Dr Brene Brown. So please understand that much of what I talk about in this article comes directly from Dr Brown and her research.

We have all experienced vulnerable situations to varying degrees. We have all experienced shame. Either one can be debilitating.

I personally have a high tolerance for risk and uncertainty. I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. I can put myself in vulnerable situations because I am confident that regardless of the outcome, I will be ok. Even if the situation doesn’t end in the preferred outcome, I believe I can navigate an alternative outcome that still works for me. I am a straight shooter, and I operate with confidence, and contingency. I can start a business and fail, because I know I can start another and be successful. Worst case, I can get a job with a stupidly high salary because I know I've done the work to get that. I can tell someone how I feel about them (good and bad), because they are my feelings and they are true, as their feelings are to them. It is what it is.

But I struggle with shame.

I am genetically predisposed to dislike being laughed at. As a teenager I once laughed at my father, and it didn’t go well. His response hurt him way more than it hurt me, but still the innate reaction to being laughed at has been passed down the family tree. Laughing at one of my sons is not an option, and as the person that passed on that trait I respect that. Any inkling that a vulnerable situation leading to people talking or laughing about me behind my back brings anxiety-based levels of shame. As a big thinker, even thinking about people potentially doing this is incredibly unsettling.

The queen of vulnerability and shame believes in remaining in a vulnerable situation, regardless of how the risk and uncertainty associated with it plays out and how exposed you feel. She says, “When you are in uncertainty, when you feel at risk, when you feel exposed, don’t tap out. Stay brave. Stay uncomfortable. Stay in the cringy moment. Lean into the hard conversation and keep leading. Stay brave. I’m not saying you need to overshare. I’m not saying you need to weep uncontrollably to show how human you are. I’m saying try to be aware of your armour. And when you feel vulnerable try not to ‘transform up’. Try to stay human. Keep leaning.” But I must wonder, what about when your vulnerable situation is linked to shame?

I was recently in a situation whereby I felt so vulnerable, so exposed, that I had a full-blown anxiety attack. I was in a room of people whom I feel strongly connected to, and behaviours weren’t adding up. There were undercurrents that had my senses on full alert. I started to believe that behaviours were reflecting conversations that had gone on behind my back and dare I say it, I had been laughed about. The people talking in the room became muffled. I wasn’t hearing a word. I disengaged. The walls began closing in. I was in fight or flight mode. Two friends saw it on my face. One instantly text me, “Do you want to go home?” The other soon came over to me and said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

On the walk it was decided, I would go home. I couldn’t possibly go back into the space whereby my vulnerability had reached anxiety-based levels of shame. I needed a safe place. When hearing I was leaving, another friend came out, a friend I hold the most respect for. A natural leader in our group. She asked me to lean into the situation. To walk back in there, to suck it up, and to face it head on. She did a Dr Brene Brown.

This all happened very recently. It’s fresh. And I’ve done what I do best. I’ve done the homework. I’ve dived into the situation and tried to dissect what happened, and more importantly how I should have ideally dealt with the situation. I’ve listened to Dr Brene Brown’s TED talks on vulnerability and shame, on repeat. I’ve read about these things, and situations of high anxiety and how best to deal with them.

Here's what I have learnt.

My shame isn’t just about Gelotophobia (fear of being laughed at and a specific variant of shame-based anxiety). Brene talks about shame in her 2012 TED talk, Listening to Shame. As outlined in this talk, my shame most likely stems from that little girl who looked different to her two siblings. Her two olive skinned, dark haired, broad shouldered, beautiful looking siblings. I was blonde, shorter, rounder, and let’s be honest, less attractive. And as the years have passed, and I have done everything humanly possible to stand out in other areas to counter (this belief) that I was inferior, I have learnt exactly what Brene explicitly outlines. I look up and the critic that I see pointing and laughing ninety-nine percent of the time at me, is me.

As a person with an incredibly high capacity for empathy and connection, when shame comes knocking, especially in a room full of people who I would otherwise feel strongly connected to, it kicks the damn door in. No surprises that when Dr Brene Brown talks about shame being organised by gender, I one-hundred percent experience shame like a man. Brene explains that shame for women “is this unattainable conflicting competing expectations about who we are supposed to be”. I know exactly who I am and what I can attain. I have no shame in not attaining everything I set my sights on. I do not relate to this type of shame. But for men Brene says it is about one thing. “Do not be perceived as weak.” This I can relate to. If people perceive me to be in a state of weakness, like the person shutting down in that room that was rapidly closing in on me, I am hitting peak levels of shame. I am in a state of heighted vulnerability. I am in full fight or flight mode.

I went home that night. But after working through that evening and spending a lot of time watching and reading Dr Brene Brown based research, I wish I’d been able to follow the direction of my dear friend and treasured leader. I wish I’d leant into my discomfort, held my head high, and walked back into that room. Brene says that empathy is the antidote to shame. My shame would have been erased by the incredible levels of empathy that radiated from a number of incredibly beautiful humans in that room. The same humans that sent me the most beautiful messages the next day. I would have been ok, and grateful for an evening with people I had very much looked forward to spending time with.

My heart would have been full.

I’ll finish with Brene’s “to do list” for vulnerability, because despite the fallout from that evening I want to reaffirm my commitment to them more than ever. Noting that Dr Brown's research shows that each is essential for wholehearted living.

• Let yourself be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.

• To love with your whole heart, even though there is no guarantee.

• To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror.

• Believe you are enough.

I am still working on the third one! But I proudly practice the others day in day out.

What came of that little blonde girl you may ask? Whilst not so little, with a little help she is still proudly blonde. Her shoulders are strong and broad from experiences endured and work put in to grow and support all that happens in her life. Her skin is tanned from summers done right at her Byron beach pad. Anything rounded is carefully crafted that way. She smiles oh so bright 😊 And when she looks back on that little blonde girl, she thinks she's gorgeous.

Much love, S.